Steep, rocky curve

The lengthy quotation below is from http://www.nysccc.org/answers/answer68.htm:

"I have been asked the "which is better" question more times than I care to remember. Would I have been better off with my birth mother? Would I have been better off if I had not been adopted at all and left to age out of foster care? Would I have been better off being raised by a black family? Would it have been better to have had more adopted children of color in the family? Would it have been better to have gone to a different kind of school or live in a different neighborhood? Et cetera, et cetera...

All of these hypothetical questions are impossible to answer. One can only speculate. I suspect that the questions themselves provide more insight into and information about the askers than about any supposedly objective answers the askers want to hear. I fear that people who satisfy themselves with easy answers to such questions stop thinking about how complicated the issues really are. It would be terrible if parents fool themselves into thinking that, now that they know the answer, they are done thinking about the issues.

At the recent St. John's University adoption conference (October 2006), a parent posed a similar question. I felt like we adult adoptees were being asked to compare apples and oranges. I also felt like we were being asked this in order to validate a parent's decision over which we had no control. I responded by pointing out that regardless of the different variables people care to throw at us, the real point is that racism sucks. Once we get to the understanding that the issue is racism (and not who makes better parents), particularly when raising children of color, then we can start to figure out how parents of any color or culture are going to effectively address issues of racism with their children.

Today I would add that racism sucks-- and so does adoption. That is to say that both issues are problematic and pose challenges and hurdles for adopted children and their families. There is no way around this fact. Some adoptees may tell you they never think about their birth families. Other adoptees may tell you that they do not experience racism in their daily lives. That's wonderful for them, if it's true... My point is that there are far too many adopted people and family members who ARE struggling to understand race, culture, adoption, and racism in this cold, cruel world. If a few lucky ones never have to deal with the ugly reality, good for them. More power to them. I am much more concerned with the countless adoptees and family members who do not have the luxury of escape, whether through avoidance, denial, or any other means, and who are left to figure this stuff out on their own, with little if any social support.

I sometimes get the feeling that some adoptive parents at conferences are waiting for the Adoptee Messiah to finally appear who is going to take away all their pain and absolve them from whatever guilt they are feeling as parents, as whites, as imperfect beings, or whatever drives their guilt. As a parent myself, I know all too well the guilt of being an imperfect parent, and the paralysis of feeling like I might have failed my kids. But guess what I finally figured out: Staying paralyzed by guilt is not helping my grown kids one bit. I suggest that instead of holding out for that Adoptee Messiah, why not start learning from the real live adult adoptee teachers who are willing to share their experiences? Instead of dealing in hypotheical questions, let's pay attention to the lived experiences of real adoptees and their families. The book Outsiders Within is a great place to start. As the editors say in their inspirational and moving introduction: "This is what it is like. This is how we turned out."

All of us who have been touched by race and adoption have a lot of learning to do, a lot of advocacy to take up as our responsibility. All of us need a lot of support. Regardless of color or culture, we are in this together, and we need each other. We can be our own messiahs."

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